Wanting can lead to disappointment. Well, wanting itself doesn't necessarily. But when you want something and then you decide that you can get that something, you have placed an expectation on the table. When you're far away from that algebra test or interview, you may still have plenty of confidence that everything will be fine. 'I'll figure it out.' But when the time comes and you're walking to class or when you're told, "It'll just be a few minutes", you realize just how vulnerable a situation you've just put yourself into.
There's the table. Here are your cards. Rather, there were your cards. They're on the table now for all to see.
I had an audition today for the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop. It was late in the day and I spent all morning and early afternoon worried that I would forget the first verse of my song or blank out in the middle of a chord progression. When I arrived, they were running 40 minutes late, so I had to wait. But when I got in, I played it without a hitch -- just like I had practiced it for 3 hours the day before.
No matter how much you practice and prepare, when it comes down to going after something you really want, there's always a part of you that doubts you can actually get it. You've of course planned ten steps down the road, you're going to get the job and then buy this so that this can happen and that can happen.... you're going to pass the test and then graduate and then get into the college you want and all of that... But in that moment right before -- that moment of reasonable doubt -- you see all of those plans, hopes, dreams taken away from you. What if you don't get the good grade or job? And none of those things happen. Will you be okay with that? You let your mind start thinking about that and then all of a sudden 'Ding' it's time to start the test or someone finally comes out and says, "He'll see you now."
I want to be a part of the BMI Musical Theatre Workshop. I was very worried that by telling people about the audition, I would increase the disappointment if I eventually found out I didn't make it in. But ultimately, I know it's my own disappointment that I am trying to deal with. My self projected disappointment that if I don't get in, somehow I'm not worthy or good enough to write for the theatre community for which I so desperately want to write. Self confidence. Giving power to the institutions and critics and opinion makers instead of giving it to yourself.
And if I do not make it in, I know it will lead me down a path that is meant for me. It's either meant to be or it isn't and I'm okay, in the end, with either. It's just that moment where you think it's in your hands entirely -- when it's your words and fingers and character trying to bring you closer to what you want -- that it becomes clear to me that getting what you really want is never that easy.
