SURPRISE

"Don't be surprised if you find yourself preoccupied with your own thoughts -- sometimes to the exclusion of just about everything else" says page 97 in the chapter called "The Lights are on and Somebody's Home" in The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be.

Yes, for those who don't know, there has been a blessing bestowed upon me and my family in the form of (a 99.9%-positive) baby girl, now many weeks into her life inside my best friend and partner who travelled with me at warp speed until we were light years ahead of the life we knew previously.

There's a quote to which I refer in the blog linked above that I keep coming back to. I would imagine that I will come back to it often as it seems to be one of life's greatest challenges. Here it is:

"Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else." (p19) The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz

There has been a lot over the last few months that could make me afraid of being myself. There has been a lot that has not satisfied other people's points of views. Yet, I am enjoying the present more than I ever have. I feel peace in a match custom-tailored for what I believe and want in life. I feel love flowing deeply through my writing, family and work.

With it being many weeks in and all, I'm taking comfort in the fact that it is natural -- at least according to authors Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash -- that I am a little introverted right now. I am contemplating the full effect of fatherhood. I am experiencing the sonograms and hearing the heartbeats and thinking about whether or not I'm going to be a good father. Whether I have enough love, knowledge and leadership. I am feeling this at the same time the news of this pregnancy is reaching the wider circles of my friends. Some of whom won't agree with my life's choices. Some of whom may think it irresponsible. Some of whom might wonder if I know what I'm getting myself into.

Mostly what I feel right now is at any given moment I could break down and cry. Not cry, weep. I feel emotional, yet stable. My emotion is pathetic with utter awe at how beautiful, precious and lucky life can be. There's a lot to be "preoccupied with" in my "own thoughts" as I find myself reflecting again tonight, now at 1:19am, on all of this and noticing once again the first post of this blog. However, it's the first comment on it this time that speaks volumes to me.

Me being myself has brought me a surprise -- one that I did not plan, but one that is welcomed with open arms. Maybe being myself causes some ripples and raises some feathers, but I can't stop thinking about how insignificant that is in the face of there only being one life you get to live. I can't wait to talk about it with Grace.

SYSTEMS

One can either do a task to get to the next thing or he can do a task in anticipation that he may have to do that task again. One can either have the mentality of shortcuts or thoroughness. One can either give someone a fish to feed a person for a day or teach someone to fish to feed him for a lifetime.

I am of the mindset that any task should be thought through thoroughly the first time it is done so that it doesn't take as long the next time. If you do the dishes and pay no attention to how you perform the task, then it may take 30 minutes. But if you notice that putting the soap to the right of the sink, the scrub brush to the side and the dirty dishes all to the left can save you 5 minutes, I say do it. I say look for those 5 minutes. Not only because at the end of the day you get to say you can get it done more efficiently, but because I think it's fun to look for those places to tighten. Don't just do the task, build the system. Build a system, and you will do tasks faster and better. Then, keep tweaking the system so that it can keep improving.

My job has been all-consumed by one project that is basically setting up how to sell tickets to theatre. There have been long phone calls with tech reps, much time spent reading manuals, and lots of trials and errors -- not to mention some worrying about whether it's actually all going to get done in time. At times I thought, maybe we should just take a short cut and try to "get by" this time with what we know and learn how to do it right later. But no.... we've kept plowing through. knowing the consolation prize is coming... the light at the end of the tunnel.... knowing that we're going to be able to hit "go" at the end of it and everything will work. Tickets will be processed flawlessly. Those tickets will filter into reports customized to give me the data I want. Next time there's a show, I will be able to do it with 10% of the effort. And best of all, time will be freed up because of the system to do other productive things.

It's a check and balance on myself that I like. That I feel makes me always want to be a better person. It's why I get so excited about learning a new formula in Excel or figuring out a better way to sort the books on a shelf. I just think that continually striving towards the best you can do leads to rewards beyond "the next thing." Maybe looking for the best system is part of the key to getting there.

IN TOUCH

Keeping in touch has always been an obstacle for me. It doesn't come natural. If I don't see you over the course of my day, it's not that I don't think about you, it's just that I don't contact you.

This sort of trait has its drawbacks surely. It dates back as long as I can remember for me. I don't know -- I just feel silly contacting someone for no reason. To talk about nothing. Or even to talk about myself. I like catching up when there's something going on in a friends life, but not when something's going on in my own.

Beyond that though, there's a small social anxiety attached to this that I've always had. Once I do get "in touch" with someone from high school, a friend I haven't seen in a while or even a friend I do see often, I am usually very glad that I made the effort, but no matter how many years have passed, making that effort always requires me to overcome some nervousness. Hence, the obstacle. About being judged as uninteresting or nerdy or annoying or unprofessional or stupid or uncool or whatever. Saying them outloud helps put them in perspective. Do I think these things about myself really? No. Is the nervousness more important than getting in touch? No. And then I overcome it. Once overcome, I am able to appreciate the "human" part of the human experience again.

Even though I would say that there's also a feeling of never having enough time that makes me feel like getting in touch with people is tough to do, this ultimately is sometimes a cover.

What I find interesting though is the amount of counter-judging that takes place. If someone is out of touch for a while for whatever reason, many people will judge that person as un-caring, perhaps even rude. As indifferent. As changed. Perhaps even unworthy of continued friendship.

One of my favorite relationships is my relationship with my brother -- Sometimes we talk often, but sometimes there are weeks that go by where we don't talk because of living in different states or having busy schedules. When we do get in touch with each other, however, there's no judging about not having called or emailed or texted. Just a genuine interest in how the other person is doing. I'm being me. He's being him. And that's as human as it gets. Our appreciation for our relationship and each other is allowed to come through as strongly as possible because of it in every interaction.

As I ponder all of this tonight because i feel slightly out of touch with friends due the natural adjustments of some drastic life changes, I hope to find more peace in relationships like I have with my brother. Including my relationship with this blog. Blog, it's been a while, but I miss you. Love you. And can't wait to continue exploring our friendship.